Seeing Things Differently

I should stop complaining. It's not that I literally complain all the time. It's actually more of a thing that I have within myself where I constantly have these 'bickering thoughts'. This usually happens on days when I feel the mediocrity of my life staring at me and all I can do is not much but to stare right back at it...helpless, clueless. Stumped. A flood of thoughts or should I say a flood of complaints usually comes rushing in next. Let's see...there's the what-if's, maybe's, why me's, why this and why that. I find it ironic how I've always managed to question the current status of my life, never being fully satisfied with what I have or with where I'm at despite everything being more than fine and dandy. Somehow even though my life in general may be doing okay, I feel that it does not necessarily follow that things are in the right place and are in order...well maybe not yet for now anyway. So even if I currently have a good job, I don't feel happily satisfied with it because I feel that maybe I could have been achieving my maximum potential by doing something else or by being somewhere else, all of which leaves me more dumbfounded than ever for not knowing what to do and for not knowing where to even begin. (That was too long a sentence!)

Sometimes I feel like a zombie routinely doing the same thing over and over again everyday. Wake up, go to work, go home, sleep, wake up, go to work, go home, sleep...you get my point. I think to myself, maybe I should get a higher paying job or maybe I should get a more fun job, one where it doesn't feel like work at all. But then maybe I'm just so brainwashed with society today where advertisements galore always depict both success and fulfillment as something that is related to a blossoming career, where the ultimate job is getting paid for work that does not feel like one, and where "real" ambition is when either fame, fortune, or position is always involved. Obviously I'm far from attaining any of these, that's why I don't feel satisfied. That's why here I am still complaining.

All of which leads me to thinking that maybe everything is not what it is cracked up to be, that maybe we have reality messed up. If this is the case then everybody's in big trouble. There is going to be some major fixing up to do. The way I see it, having the drive to do something is already a passionate individual at work regardless of the degree or extent of the goal that is being achieved. In my case, it doesn't mean that I am lacking ambition or passion if I decide not to be a career woman and decide to become a teacher or a housewife instead. I may not aim for the highest star, but I'm still aiming for a star just the same...with still the same intensity, with still the same passion no more no less as if I were to become the highest paid or most powerful woman in the land.

Perhaps I should change my understanding of mediocrity, because real mediocrity lies in being indifferent and remaining stagnant with one's life...accepting everything as a given and not doing anything about it. As long as I'm not that, then I guess I'm okay. Perhaps it also would do me a lot of good if I try to switch my noisy inner thoughts to off mode more often. I should just enjoy listening to the silence...This way I don't get bothered easily. And I stop complaining too.